Becoming a "Difficult Woman"

 

This is the first of many posts inspired by Helen Lewis’ book, Difficult Women.  It’s completely independent and not connected to Helen in any way, except her being the inspiration.

Joining the league of Difficult Women

Being a difficult woman is something I aspire to, particularly since my marriage ended.  Maybe it’s appropriate then, that as I did the decidedly ‘man’s job’ of decorating the bathroom, my accompaniment was Helen Lewis and Difficult Women on Audible.

For someone like me - disillusioned with my ‘accepted’ place in the world; always looking to earn my place in the world as myself; recently divorced - Helen’s book feels like it was written for me.  From the first Zsar Zsar Gabor quote (“You never really know a man until you divorce him”) to the manifesto for difficult women.  I laughed, I cried, I nodded along… I really felt every word.

In December 2018, I told my husband our marriage was over.

This was 8 weeks after I signed my first regular freelance contract.  4 weeks after he gambled a significant amount of money, and 2 weeks after I told him he needed to get his act together or our marriage was over.

So, 2 weeks wasn’t really enough time to get his act together, but the thing that tipped me over the edge… A conversation that went something like this:

Me: “Why can’t you put the dishes in the sink?”

Him: “Why can’t you just be a good wife to me?”

That was it, a 10-year relationship and a 5-year marriage over in just 10 words.  Who knew it would take only 10 words to make me see the marriage for what it really was, see my husband for what he really was?  I wasn’t entirely free of blame.  I was, after all, a difficult woman and not a good wife.

I had bought into the stereotypical gender roles.

I had allowed myself to become identified by my reproductive organs.  I had become a Mum and a wife, I had fulfilled those roles dutifully (My children and husband were still alive, and my house could be lived in).  While I met these roles, my husband was happy, content.  He had felt like ‘the man’, and all was how it should be.

I had provided him with genetic heirs, ensuring that his line didn’t cease to exist after he died, but creating them seemed to be as far as his involvement went.  He went out to work, and wifey performed the menial unpaid labour in the house.

My venture into self-employment in May 2018 had thrown him off balance.  His insecurities became evident when he stated during an argument, “You’ll start this business, earn your own money, and leave me, won’t you?”

At that time, I had absolutely no intention of leaving him.

I wanted to earn money for our family and for us.  I tried to lighten his burden as being sole income earner and provide us with enough money for lovely holidays, and days out.  I wanted to ensure our kids had the best lives they could have.  Isn’t that just so typical of a woman?  Not only carrying the burden of the unpaid duties, child-bearing, domestic chores, and child-raising, but I also wanted to take his load of earning money…  And he appreciated none of it.

19 months on from the separation, we are divorced.

I’m still primarily responsible for the child-raising, and the domestic responsibilities, but I no longer have the invisible chains binding me to them.  I’m independent.  I’m selfish (to a point, my children’s needs have to be met, obviously).  I’m in control of my life. I run my house, I run my business, I am completing my degree.

I may not have succeeded in world domination yet, but there’s still plenty of time for that… after all, I’m only 34.